Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  July 16, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

11:35 pm
"jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- liev schreiber. from comedy central, amy schumer. and music from iron and wine. with cleto and the cletones. and now, where am i? here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks to all of you for coming. good to see you.
11:36 pm
some of you are staring at me right now. thank you, thank you. you probably noticed my normally perfect face has been damaged. i want to apologize to those of you who came here specifically to see it. but on saturday, on saturday my fiancee and i went to lunch -- i've actually put together a little re-enactment of this. i'll show you what happened. we went to lunch. and we were supposed to pick something up, but we decided to -- that's me in the shorts. so we walked to the restaurant, and the waitress came and took our order. and then my plan was to go back to the car to put money in the meter. so i ran over to the car. and i was going to open the door to get some quarters out of the coin thing to feed the meter, but instead i got a little distracted and instead i hit myself in the cheekbone with a corner of the door. but i got the quarters, and i put them in the meter, and i
11:37 pm
walked back to the restaurant. my face -- but i didn't realize i was bleeding. i actually didn't even realize i was bleeding. i was bleeding quite a bit more than that. until my fiancee almost threw up when she saw me. i told her the car door hit me, but i was hungry, so i pulled some ice out of my glass of water or iced tea. i dipped napkins in there. and i kept pressure on my face until lunch came to the table. and then i ate my lunch with my left hand, which is not easy, and then after that i went to the hospital and i got 11 stitches in my cheek. so, yeah. you know, i've never had a doctor sew up my face before. i feel like one of the real housewives or something. [ laughter ] but i learned an important lesson. and that lesson is car doors open outwards. [ laughter ] and my eye keeps getting blacker every day. my eye is so black right now paula deen apologized to it. [ laughter ]
11:38 pm
[ cheers and applause ] by the way, i wasn't the only one who wound up with a black eye this weekend. you remember aaron carter? he's a singer, he was like a teen idol of some kind. he's the younger brother of nick carter from the backstreet boys. aaron had a concert in boston this week. and this happened. he claims he was jumped by a bunch of new kids on the block fans. for real. he said he was leaving dinner saturday night. four guys jumped out of a gold chevy malibu and said "this is the town of the new kids" and beat him up. which if that's true it might be the funniest prebeating statement ever made. [ laughter ] "this is the town of the new kids." dicky, you're from boston. are there groups of men so fired up about the new kids they will beat you up? >> dicky: yeah, that kid's lucky to be alive. >> jimmy: yeah, really. [ laughter ] either aaron carter is lying or he somehow found a time machine that took him back to 1991 when people cared about the new kids. but aaron also claimed he won the fight. he tweeted "i'm a sixth degree black belt in muay thai and they lost." but he didn't file a police report because he said that
11:39 pm
would be girly to do that. more girly than being beaten up by new kids on the block fans, i guess. what percentage of people who say they have black belts would you guess can actually fight if it comes to it? 4? something like that? for example, what you're about to see is a group of adults doing what is referred to as a black belt karate routine at a gym in brooklyn. and if you've ever -- if you're ever attacked by new kids on the block fans, these are the guys you want to have on your side. [ applause ] very well done. it's like the first round of auditions for "karate kid 5." some belts are blacker than
11:40 pm
others, i guess. paula deen is having a difficult week. paula deen was deposed as part of a discrimination lawsuit that was filed against her. the attorney for the other side asked if she's ever used the n word, and she said, yes, of course. just fyi, if a lawyer asks you if you've ever used the n word, the only thing you can say worse than yes is "yes, of course." [ laughter ] on -- duh. [ laughter ] on friday the food network announced they would not renew paula's contract, and today smithfield, a company for whom she endorsed pork products, also severed ties with deen. even the other white meat is turning on her. [ laughter ] pork severing ties with paula deen is like spinach cutting ties with popeye. [ laughter ] it's a major rift. she was supposed to appear on the "today" show on friday but backed out, and instead she posted three very awkward apology videos online. the first one was so awkward and so heavily edited they wound up pulling it down. a lot of people downloaded it and reposted it, though. here's paula -- paula deen
11:41 pm
attempting to apologize but really not helping her case at all. >> i want to apologize to everybody for the wrong that i've done. uh, i want to learn and grow from this. inappropriate, hurtful language is totally, totally unacceptable. i've made plenty of mistakes along the way. but i beg you, my children, my team, my fans, my partners, i beg for your forgiveness. please forgive me. [ laughter ] for the mistakes that i've made. >> see, you can see why some people didn't take her apology seriously as she might have liked. i was thinking about this over the weekend at dinner, and i haven't done a ton of research on the subject. i don't mean to generalize, but
11:42 pm
as far as i can tell, all women named paula are insane. [ laughter ] right, cleto? justin bieber. this is crazy. as you may recall, back in march justin bieber got a pet monkey named molly, a monkey that was confiscated by german customs officials because they didn't have the right paperwork to bring molly into germany. but instead of paying a fine and picking molly up, he left molly there. he let them keep the monkey. but now he's got another monkey. justin bieber's had two monkeys since i got my last oil change in my car. [ laughter ] and we know this because his private plane was reportedly delayed for eight hours because he couldn't find his new monkey. justin had chartered a plane to fly him from miami to l.a. he was supposed to take off at 11:00 a.m. he didn't show up at the airport until 3:00 p.m. and once he got there he couldn't find his monkey, so they chartered a helicopter to fly to west palm beach to get the monkey. who keeps giving this kid monkeys? [ laughter ]
11:43 pm
let minimum start out with a goldfish or work his way up. and how do you lose not one but two monkeys? one, i could see they're fast. but two means you're not paying attention. [ laughter ] missing monkeys seem to be an ongoing problem for justin bieber, but fortunately there's a new product on the market that could i think really help him out. ♪ keep your primates safe and sound ♪ ♪ with baby bieber monkey pants ♪ ♪ baby bieber monkey pants ♪ choose any color or go in black ♪ ♪ tiny bieber in the front, baby monkey in the back ♪ ♪ baby baby bieber monkey pants ♪ >> baby bieber monkey pants. only 19.$99. stupid big hat not included. >> available at walgreen's. [ applause ] >> jimmy: speaking of monkeys, i happened upon this online this morning.ñi this happened in aranzas pass, texas a police officer pulled someone over. it was a routine traffic stop. and the officer needed to get the guy's signature on a little electronic device to process the ticket. fortunately, the officer's
11:44 pm
wearing a video camera on his glasses because otherwise this would have been very hard to believe. >> can you sign right there? whoa. >> jimmy: let's see that again in slow motion. you see as soon as he gets his hand in the car a monkey comes out of nowhere and bites him. an attack monkey. which i need. [ applause ] the man was charged with failure to obey a traffic signal and assault with a deadly monkey. [ laughter ] there's some unrest in the always interesting world of men's clothing. the men's wearhouse last week fired executive chairman and co-founder george zimmer. you know george zimmer. he's the guy who says "you're going to like the way you look. i guarantee it." zimmer claims he was fired because of disagreements over what the direction of the company should be. i think firing george zimmer from men's wearhouse, it's like firing santa for christmas. you can't. but they did. he's out of his own company. and not only is he out as an executive, they've already
11:45 pm
replaced him as spokesman, too. >> at men's wearhouse you'll find quality men's clothing at deep discounted prices. thousands of name brand suits, sport coats, slacks, and shirts, all 20% to 30% off retail. >> ah! you're going to like the way you look. i guarantee it. hey! [ applause ] >> jimmy: was that gary busey? we need to take a break. when we come back, i think you'll like this. our confusing question of the day. it involves the supermoon, tightrope walking plus paula deen. plus liev schreiber, amy schumer, and music from iron and wine tonight. so hang out. [ cheers and applause ] applebee's new take two seasonal menu lets you choose two of five seasonal favorites starting at just $10.99. [ male announcer ] that sounds like a lot of choices.
11:46 pm
exactly! and the flavors complement each other perfectly. like our new blackened sirloin with the green goddess wedge salad or lemon shrimp fettuccine and seasonal berry spinach salad. ohh, the garlic rosemary chicken pasta... [ male announcer ] woah, woah, chef? you had us at two seasonal favorites starting at $10.99. really? fist bump. [ male announcer ] nice! applebee's new take two menu. two seasonal favorites, one amazing plate. starting at just $10.99. see you tomorrow. and late night for half-priced apps. and after 1 wedding, 2 kids, 43 bottles of total effects, and many birthdays, still looks amazing. now add a boost with new olay moisturizer plus serum. scootch. scoot over, please. you scoot over. [ orbit girl ] don't let food hang around. [ trumpet alert! ding! ] clean it up with sugar free orbit! fabulous. for that just-brushed clean feeling... ♪ eat, drink, chew orbit ♪music plays
11:47 pm
♪music plays ♪music plays
11:48 pm
this is genesis. she likes men completely hairless and, no, she doesn't think that's weird. i don't. whatever style she likes, make sure it looks perfect. trim, shave and edge with the proglide styler. gillette. the best a man can get. with the proglide styler. jolly rancher bold hand soft juicy chews. untamed fruit flavor... jolly rancher.
11:49 pm
11:50 pm
>> jimmy: all right. liev schreiber, amy schumer, and music from iron and wine later. did anybody watch the guy walk tightrope over the grand canyon last night? nik wallenda, who goes by -- i think he's from the family the flying wallendas. he goes by the title king of the highwire. became the first person ever to cross the grand canyon on a tightrope. he walked 1,400 feet suspended 1,500 feet in the air. and he did it all wearing a pair of mom jeans, too. [ laughter ] why, i don't know. but he made it across in 23 minutes. the most impressive part to me is he did it all without once ever looking down at his iphone. [ laughter ] it was a huge ratings success for the discovery channel. although let's be honest, the main reason we were watching was there was a good chance he was going to fall to his death. if there was a net no one would watch at all, right? if there was a net we'd switch right back over to "cupcake wars" to watch people die slowly
11:51 pm
on that show. [ laughter ] this is from the local fox affiliate in spokane, washington. on thursday night one of the reporters, a young lady named lindsay nadrich, was reporting live from a local strawberry farm and she reported so well that she is tonight's recipient of the award for excellence in reporting. >> we were able to pick some of the strawberries today despite this rain. i do have to tell you it's worth the drive and worth fighting this rain condition. [ bleep ] me. i can't even talk. >> all right. well, we definitely apologize for that editing error. [ applause ] >> jimmy: there's no apology necessary. there are a lot of big stories in the news right now. and i wanted to ask people out in the street about them. we don't have time to get to all of them individually. so to cover everything we matched all the big news story of the day into one nonsensical question, which was this. paula deen this morning apologized for using the n word, especially at disney world with
11:52 pm
edward snowden. do you think her plan to tightrope across the grand canyon on a wallenda helps to call attention to racism in america or does it supermoon? [ laughter ] now, obviously, it doesn't mean anything. but miraculously, we found some people on hollywood boulevard today who answered it. this is our confusing question of the day. ♪ >> paula deen this morning apologized for using the n word especially at disney world with edward snowden. do you think her plan to tightrope across the grand canyon on a wallenda helps call attention to racism in america or does it supermoon? >> i don't know. i think it kind of got all blown out of proportion. a lot of people from the south use that word more commonly than we do over here on the west coast. so i love her. so i kind of -- i think people blow it out of proportion. her going there is just her being her. >> do you think her plan to tightrope across the grand canyon on a wallenda helps call
11:53 pm
attention to racism in america or do you think it's supermoon? >> probably call attention just because of what she said. probably more people are going to look at it differently now that she's said the word than they would have before. >> so it doesn't supermoon? >> no. >> paula deen this morning apologized for using the n word especially at disney world with edward snowden. do you think her plan to tightrope across the grand canyon on a wallenda helps call attention to racism in america or does it supermoon? >> i think it definitely draws attention to it. i don't think what she did was okay. i don't think she can say anything that will kind of change what she did. i think her image is kind of come to light now what she really is like. >> do you think disney world should extradite edward snowden? >> no. >> why not? >> because i don't think paula deen's remarks had anything to do with that character. you know, i don't think she should be -- i don't think her
11:54 pm
statements should be important regarding that character's removal, at least. >> do you think it was the supermoon that made her crazy? >> oh, the superman. yeah, probably. it affected a lot of people. lunatics. made sense. it probably wasn't all her. >> are you defending her just because your name is paulie d. and she's paula deen? >> wait, no. it's -- i'm not -- like i don't agree to it. >> are you sure your name's not paulie d.? >> yeah, i'm quite positive. >> okay. this morning she apologized for using the n word, especially at disney world with edward snowden. so we're asking do you think her plan to tightrope across the grand canyon on a wallenda helps call attention to racism in america or does it supermoon? >> i think it calls attention to racism. if she used that word, that's absolutely incorrect. >> so it doesn't supermoon? >> i'm sorry? >> so it does not supermoon? >> no, it does not. >> what does that mean?
11:55 pm
>> supermoon means showing your rear end. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: i guess it kind of does mean that. you know, there are no dumb questions, only dumb people. tonight on the program amy schumer is with us. we have music from iron and wine. and we'll be right back with liev schreiber. so don't wander off. portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by sony. ♪ ♪ [ music, indistinct talking on tv ] you're eating all the ammo, sir.
11:56 pm
remember your training. your whole life has been leading to this moment. [ blows ] [ woman shrieks ] ♪ and the food you love is serving up fantastic prizes. everything from ea sports madden nfl 25 video games, to brand new fiat 500s. what will you be served up this summer? ♪ is sweatier and messier than my family on the field. so like the nfl i use tide... ...because i'm the equipment manager in this house. that's my tide. what's yours?
11:57 pm
11:58 pm
11:59 pm
12:00 am
that's my tide. >> jimmy: tonight on the program a very funny woman who has her own show on comedy central, amy schumer is here with us. and then with music from this album called "ghost on ghost" iron and wine from the sony outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night who's going to be here? oh, tomorrow night miley cyrus and marlon wayans will be here. i'm glad we're finally getting those two together. and later this week channing tatum. from the nba champion miami heat dwyane wade.
12:01 am
annette bening, paul feig, from "scandal" tony goldwyn, and we'll have music from the neighbourhood and pharrell. so join us. our first guest tonight is a very talented actor. he's been nominated for and/or won all the awards his profession has to offer. his new show is called "ray donovan." it premieres this sunday night on showtime. please welcome liev schreiber! [ cheers and applause ] you're looking at my eye. >> it's not bad. i heard 11 stitches. i was expecting much worse. >> jimmy: well, there are 11 stitches. the first set is deep in the face. and then the second set is on the outside of the face. >> on a car door. >> jimmy: on a car door, yeah. you know what? no one believes me when i tell the story. >> i don't believe you either. >> jimmy: wouldn't i come up with a better story? >> how do you do that with a car door?
12:02 am
>> jimmy: bonk. as simple as that. i mean, it was very easy. what do you think, i'm dating chris brown? >> i have no idea. [ laughter ] i have no idea. listen, we're all talking about it backstage. if it wasn't a car door, what was it? it had to be something large. >> jimmy: it was a car door. there was no what was it. well, i don't know if i'll ever be able to convince you. but trust me, it was a car door. i would definitely come up with something more exciting than that if i was lying. do you think i was drunk or something like that? >> well, it is right on your cheekbone, and you do have a black eye. >> jimmy: yeah. >> usually, that means someone punched you in the face. >> jimmy: but only 1 in 7 people are left-handed. and i would have to get hit by a lefty, right? >> that's a good point. >> jimmy: i thought all this stuff out when i came up with this lie. how are you doing?
12:03 am
>> your fiancee- is she left or right-handed? >> jimmy: she's right-handed. and very weak, also. we met at the kennedy center honors. you were there honoring dustin hoffman. >> and you were there for letterman. >> jimmy: for david letterman. >> you did the greatest dustin hoffman impersonation i've ever heard. i haven't heard a ton of dustin hoffman -- >> there aren't many, no. >> jimmy: but you were just dead on with dustin hoffman. and your wife naomi watts or your lover, whatever you want to call it. >> yes, my lover. >> jimmy: she was on the show. she said you do a lot of different characters. >> no, i don't. i don't do impressions. it's one of those things people say on talk shows, that my husband does impressions. i don't, actually. i have a whiny baritone. dustin is a whiny baritone. i sound like dustin. i think that's probably why they asked me to do the kennedy center honors. >> jimmy: really? >> because i sound like him. >> jimmy: somebody was that intuitive that they examined your voices and said this is why we're going to get him? >> well, you know, dustin's probably had a string of bad luck in the past couple of
12:04 am
years, and they couldn't get whoever they probably wanted to get. and they said how about that guy? he sounds a little like him. >> jimmy: you do sound like him. you know, your wife also told us that you were on vacation -- and i'm sorry, i keep saying your wife. >> it's okay. >> jimmy: but you were on vacation and you put your foot in a slipper that had a frog in it and you screamed like a little girl. [ laughter ] is that true? >> again, she's exaggerating. [ laughter ] i did -- you know, i made a noise. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> as anyone would. when you put your foot into a shoe with a frog in it. let's face it. and you're in thailand. in thailand the frogs, you know, are considerably more dangerous than the frogs in america. >> jimmy: are they? >> i don't know. i would assume. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but you processed that so quickly. >> i thought, well, i felt something amphibious on my foot, and i made a noise. i don't think i'm capable of actually screaming like a little girl. i think because of the anatomical shape of my voicebox
12:05 am
it's impossible for me to scream like a little girl. >> jimmy: yeah, you might be right. >> ah! like that. might have been a little higher. >> jimmy: women like to put that on you, though, you scream like a little girl. for some reason. and it's weird because she wouldn't be attracted to you if you did get scared like a little girl presumably. >> i don't know. she likes that kind of thing. >> jimmy: you shoot the show in l.a. by the way, the show's great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i saw it today. [ cheers and applause ] it's one of those where they applaud as if they've seen it but you're lying because the show hasn't premiered yet. >> no, no. we let the show out a little early. >> jimmy: oh, you did? for them specifically? >> for this group right here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i have seen it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and i did enjoy it. you shoot the show here in l.a. >> i do. >> jimmy: it seems like it anyway. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but you live in new york. >> i do. >> jimmy: do you like being here? >> i do. it's different. you know, i'm a new yorker.
12:06 am
i've lived in new york my whole life. and i love new york. i love l.a., too. it's just -- you know, you spend a lot of time in your car. you spend a lot of time in your car, and it can be a little isolating. i find. i don't know how you feel about it. are you from new york? >> jimmy: i am originally from brooklyn, yeah. but i grew up in las vegas most of my life. >> that's a whole other kettle of fish. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but l.a. is -- i love l.a. [ laughter ] i'm not going to get myself in trouble right now. >> jimmy: well, we have liars in our audience and on our chair here tonight. it's okay if you don't like l.a. >> no, i do like l.a. it's just a very different -- >> jimmy: would you be willing to submit to a polygraph test? >> no. >> jimmy: you would not. >> but i wouldn't submit to a polygraph test for anything. >> jimmy: okay. i got you. we're going to take a break. when we come back, we'll see a clip for -- i think this is going to be one of those shows where people go you have to see this show. it's called "ray donovan." we'll take a look. liev schreiber is with us. [ cheers and applause ]
12:07 am
this summer... you're gonna need this. thrilling adventure heroic performance the ford summer spectacular sales event featuring blockbuster deals he's the best chance we've got. now during the ford summer spectacular, get a blockbuster deal... with $1000 matching down bonus cash. now playing at a ford dealer near you.
12:08 am
an arm wrestling match that mr. clean realized the way to handle bigger, tougher messes was better leverage. that's why he created his new magic eraser handy grip. it has a handle that firmly attaches to the eraser so you get better leverage and more oomph with less effort. it's the perfect magic eraser for making stuff that's big and tough not so tough, after all. mr. clean's handy grip -- the newest member of the magic eraser family. in all purpose and bath. [ engine revs ] that hasn't been cleared yet. ♪ uh! i just want to celebrate [ male announcer ] every time you say no to a cigarette you celebrate a little win. nicorette gum helps calm your cravings and makes you less irritable. double your chances of quitting. ♪ ♪ ♪
12:09 am
[ female announcer ] delta touch2o technology for your kitchen and bathroom. precisely in tune with every touch. see what delta can do. we asked stephanie to beta test one. stephanie: it's got some really cool new features, like blinkfeed, where i can see everything i care about on one screen. htc zoe is pretty amazing. my favorite part is taking a bunch of photos and video and combining them into one image. check it out, the sound on this thing? booming. this is bad news for my old phone. vo: beta tested, blue shirt approved. get your htc one on sprint now for $99.99 and save even more when you trade in any working phone. only at best buy. this is kate.
12:10 am
she likes a man with a little hair on his chest. but definitely not on his back. whatever style she likes, make sure it looks perfect. trim, shave and edge with the proglide styler. gillette. the best a man can get. with the proglide styler. they are smart. they can out smart their humans... ...and their canines so they deserve a smart choice in litter. we make fresh step scoopable with carbon. because carbon has tons of tiny pores that are trapping and eliminating odors. fresh step, your cat deserves the best. try fresh step extreme strong enough to tackle your toughest cat box odors.
12:11 am
even when you don't now yhave time for a break break with new kit kat minis. poppable, bite-sized minis that let you make break time anytime.
12:12 am
l what i'm going to tell you now is the important thing. you've got to listen to me and you've got to trust me. my father coming here? you let him near this family, everything we've worked for,
12:13 am
everything we've built, it will be over. whatever you think happened, it was ten times worse. don't let the wolf in the gate, abby. >> jimmy: that is "ray donovan." it premieres. liev schreiber is here. you're right. watching that clip i realized there's no possibility of you shrieking like a little girl. it couldn't happen. >> no. impossible. >> jimmy: tell us about the show. jon voight plays your dad. this is the wolf you're talking about in that clip. >> ray is a fixer for a high-end hollywood law firm. elliott gould is my boss. and i'm a southie transplant, south boston transplant. and basically, what i do is i fix problems for rich and famous celebrities and athletes. >> jimmy: like if someone were to wind up with a black eye you would help them cover it up?
12:14 am
>> i would figure out something better than a car door. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and i would shoot a compelling and realistic re-enactment. >> jimmy: what part of that wasn't realistic? oh, yeah, my abs are a little tighter than that guy's were. >> that's what i thought. >> jimmy: and jon voight is great in the show. he's very menacing. he's scary in the show. and elliott gould, who i have not seen in a while, is a great actor. a very interesting character. loopy and a little bit nutty on top of that. >> it's an incredible cast. i mean, the people that we got. i was so, so grateful that they wanted to do this. paula malcolmson dashed my heart. eddie marsan. just incredible actors. i think that's been the story of the show for me this year. >> jimmy: were you the first one on board and -- >> i was. >> jimmy: -- then they asked the others to be part of it? >> i was. and then i asked ann about the kind of actors i wanted to work with and she wanted to work with. i realized it was a collaboration that was going to go really, really well. >> jimmy: so strongly that you
12:15 am
in fact decided to move from your beloved new york to l.a. you that despised. >> i kind of didn't realize that was happening. >> jimmy: no? that a hollywood fixer would be living in hollywood? >> 4 1/2 months later -- well, first of all, they told me it would only take four months to shoot the show. >> jimmy: lie, right? >> yeah. big lie. 6 1/2 months later i'm in culver city going, where's my life? my family. i haven't seen my kids in a month. >> jimmy: well, maybe one season you could do skype. you could skype in all the fixing from your place in manhattan. >> my kids hate the skype. they barely talk on the telephone, let alone the skype. it's so obviously just an ipad to them. >> jimmy: well, they realize they hate the skype with you. with their friends they will love the skype. [ laughter ] it's a very complex situation. it depends on who's on the other end of the skype. how old are the children? >> 4 and 5. >> jimmy: okay. so if dora the explorer is skyping with them, they're going to get on the skype. >> you've just given me an idea.
12:16 am
>> jimmy: we'll get you a dora costume. no problem at all. well, it's great to see you. congratulations on the show. it's called "ray donovan." premieres sunday night 10:00 on showtime. liev schreiber, everybody. we'll be right back with amy schumer! >> portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by sony, introducing the sony vaio pro. e. this is not a safe thing to do. be careful babe. there should be some way to make it easier [ doorbell rings ] let's open it up and see what's cookin'. oh i like that. look at this it's got a handle on it. i don't have to climb up. this yellow part up here really catches a lot of the dust. did you notice how clean it looks? morty are you listening? morty? [ morty ] i'm listening! i want you to know
12:17 am
with mccafé. every irresistible smoothie and delectable frappé is a break from the ordinary. and it all starts with a sip. there's something for everyone to love from mccafé. to benefit cancer research i rode across the atlantic. crossing an ocean with your body as the motor, it hurts. so i brought advil to help me stay strong during the toughest journey of my life. [ male announcer ] paul ridley had a choice of pain relievers, but he chose advil. because nothing is stronger on tough pain. nothing. not tylenol. not aleve. [ paul ] when people are counting on me to come through, my answer is advil. [ male announcer ] real people. real pain. real relief. advil. relief in action. music: lively orchesyes! score kids never get this excited about cleaning teeth. you want a greenies? but dogs do. watch them go wild for an irresistible treat that fights tartar and freshens breath. greenies dental chews. hey guys. oh, hey.
12:18 am
aiden was just showing me around the grounds. he's definitely getting a rose. oh yeah. for life's bleachable moments, only clorox.
12:19 am
so i can't afford to have germy surfaces. but after one day's use, dishcloths can redeposit millions of germs. so ditch your dishcloth and switch to a fresh sheet of new bounty duratowel. look! a fresh sheet of bounty duratowel leaves this surface cleaner than a germy dishcloth, as this black light reveals. it's durable, cloth-like and it's 3 times cleaner. so ditch your dishcloth and switch to new bounty duratowel. the durable, cloth-like picker-upper. ♪ [ gasps ] a little more to the left. we're trying our best, sir. maybe the round one. ♪ [ crunch ] you're not very good at this are you?
12:20 am
fire all four. are you serious? i'm waiting. make it rain. ♪ bullseye. four flavors. four shapes. new cheetos mix ups.
12:21 am
four flavors. four shapes. ♪ >> jimmy: music from iron and wine. our next guest is so very funny they gave her a show with her name on it. you know, they only do that for a few select people. "inside amy schumer airs 10:30 tuesday nights on comedy central. please welcome amy schumer. [ cheers and applause ] >> hi. how are you? >> jimmy: i'm good, thank you. >> well, not really. >> jimmy: it doesn't really hurt. it just looks bad.
12:22 am
>> i know, but it looks so bad. [ laughter ] gross. >> jimmy: you know, i thought about putting makeup on it to cover it up but then i thought just -- >> domestic violence. too clear. >> jimmy: exactly. >> yeah. >> jimmy: one thing i did not mention in my account is i was sitting there really bleeding, like a multi, multinapkin thing and this guy who was sitting next to me he seemed concerned at the restaurant and he said -- he said, "hey, you know, you should make sure to see a plastic surgeon instead of going to the emergency room." i was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, i'm bleeding. and he goes, "i was going to recommend you go to a plastic surgeon anyway." >> oh! everybody's hilarious, right? >> jimmy: thank you for the comedy. i'm bleeding to death. >> and that guy is now guillermo. can you believe it? >> jimmy: how are you? are you enjoying the success of your show? >> yeah. it's -- i mean, it's so amazing. i thought my favorite part was going to be like giving my friends jobs. you know? or creating something funny. but it turns out my favorite part is the money. [ laughter ]
12:23 am
mm. more money. >> jimmy: funny how that works. >> i love it. >> jimmy: have you had to fire any of your friends? >> well, we had to fire one guy just because he like smelled bad. it was a craft service guy. you can let them slide unless they're serving the food. >> jimmy: the food table has to be clean. that is important. you're picked up for a second season. >> i know. >> jimmy: which is -- [ cheers and applause ] is that not good? >> it's so good. i know, i've heard that people have like a minute of they're just elated and so excited and then they realize all the work. i didn't have that minute. i was just like, what? so much work. >> jimmy: yeah, it's a lot of work, right? >> but no, i love it. it's my dream come true, actually. >> jimmy: is it really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and have you found that your life has changed now that you're on television regularly, every week? >> yeah. well, i'm getting recognized more. which i'm not used to. i live in new york. and i'm just used to walking around, no one knows me. but people will yell my name. and i'm afraid. i'm like aghast. because i just assume i owe them
12:24 am
money or i gave them hpv or something. they're trying to get revenge. but no, it just makes you a lot more accountable for your actions. >> jimmy: yeah, it does. >> i'm a drinker. i don't dress well. you know. so i was walking around recently. and like this is not what i -- like this takes a team of experts. this took 2 1/2 hours for me to look this mediocre. like this is a lot. [ laughter ] a lot of work. you know, we're comedians. like you wear a suit now. i feel like a show poodle. it's weird, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> and it's not natural for me. i feel like -- and i look like a cabbage patch kid. [ laughter ] you know, i look a little bit like i have an aging disorder but i won't let that stop me from doing pageants, you know. [ laughter ] it's just a sadness. i'll take these heels off the second i can. >> jimmy: just throw them in the audience. give them to somebody else. [ cheers and applause ] what is in here? >> what's in there is i -- >> jimmy: why did it need to be
12:25 am
in an envelope, by the way? couldn't it be out on the desk? >> you won an oscar. and the winner is. >> jimmy: the winner is. >> domestic violence victim. i'm not trying to make fun of that. i'm walking around new york. i don't dress well. on my own, this is like a team. it was pouring rain. i was walking and trying to get in the subway. i was walking to therapy. i don't need it. i just like -- i think my therapist could use the money. [ laughter ] i'm fine. it was pouring rain. but i was going to buy an umbrella but it's so humiliating when it flies the wrong way, you feel like somebody saw your -- something you're not allowed to say on this network. [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] so -- >> jimmy: oh. i was -- now that makes sense. >> so -- >> jimmy: in new york. >> so i bought a poncho.
12:26 am
>> jimmy: good idea. >> i threw it on and i ran on the subway and then i just kind of sat down there and got myself together. but somebody's taking pictures of me. and i didn't realize. like this is not what's usually going on. so this is a picture somebody posted of me on the subway. >> jimmy: where was this posted? >> like how sad is this? [ laughter ] [ applause ] i'm schizophrenic. i look like a used condom. i think. i've never seen a condom. i feel like that's what it looks like. >> jimmy: you look like you're in the medical center after a bad ride on splash mountain. >> yeah. like either i'm coming from [ bleep ] myself or going to get free soup. [ laughter ] it looks like i'm listening to a walkman. >> jimmy: this is how you are when you walk into your therapist's office? this is what the therapist sees? >> yeah. he charges me so much.
12:27 am
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> it's so sad. >> jimmy: wow. that is something else. yeah, that's a great-looking -- although maybe you'll be in one of those "us weekly" like who wore it best. [ laughter ] >> me? >> jimmy: amy or the other amy? >> they really are two different pictures. it looks like i'm either being -- i should kill myself. or just make trash-bag shoes. options. >> jimmy: you have to be very careful when you go out in public now. you really can't do this anymore. >> no. i have to be so much more careful. and i love doing things like going to music festivals. i actually met you at south by southwest the first time. >> jimmy: oh, that's right. >> yeah. and i went to bonnaroo recently. that festival. >> jimmy: last weekend. >> yeah. last weekend in tennessee. and i had the best time. i was hanging out mostly with amber tamblyn. you know, from -- >> jimmy: i know amber. >> and she is a party animal. like you cannot -- >> jimmy: i noticed that, yeah. >> a long way from the traveling pants. [ laughter ] so we got wasted. >> jimmy: great. in the group and with everybody there? >> in the group, with everybody,
12:28 am
wearing that poncho. and -- no. we go and come back to my room, and i was kind of drunk. and then i blacked out. i haven't blacked out from drinking for so long. like since college. and blacking out from drinking is crazy that it's acceptable. you drink your mind to sleep. you know? like your body stays up but your mind is like hey, i'm calling it, good night. no judgments. but like that's it for me. so i woke up from a blackout. and there was just an unexplained oil can of foster's beer next to my head in the bed. and i'm like, this isn't like my beer. i'm not like at the end of the night i'm a foster's gal. [ laughter ] but because of twitter and people recognizing me now, i was able to retrace my steps. [ laughter ] so i see tweets the next day, and it's people being like hey, that guy was such a jerk to you at the shell station. he should have just sold you that beer. like i was at a shell station?
12:29 am
[ laughter ] you had every right to take that. i'm like i stole a beer? [ laughter ] so i went to the shell station to, you know, do my own detective work. and the girl there was like "hey, girl." like the girl working there was like, "hey, how are you feeling." and i'm like what happened last night? and she was like, "oh, you were like really happy, then really sad." [ laughter ] i'm like, well, i'm sorry i stole this beer. she's like thanks for bringing it back. usually people don't bring them back. [ laughter ] i'm like, what was i doing? she's like, "you just bought a bunch of food." and i'm like i don't have any wrappers in my room. she's like, "no, you ate it here. you ate it here." [ laughter ] i'm like, what did i eat? she's like, "you ate beef jerky dippers." which i didn't know was a thing. >> jimmy: neither did i. >> they made beef jerky that you can dip in like ranch -- like beef jerky wasn't delicious enough. you need to like stir it in a cauldron of ranch.
12:30 am
beef jerky's already pretty good. but i thought i should really eat every ounce of it in front of these strangers. >> jimmy: sure. >> yeah. people posted pics of it. and that girl was like, you know, don't worry about it, it happens all the time. >> jimmy: you're lucky, you don't even have to keep a journal. you just have people following you around recording everything. >> yeah, privacy is over. >> jimmy: you might want to look into the security camera footage of that. that could be entertaining, as well. >> please someone find that. it's not like i injured myself with a car door. >> jimmy: no, it's nothing like that. "inside amy schumer" tuesday nights 10:30 on comedy central. thank you, amy. we'll be right back with iron and wine! [ cheers and applause ] >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony.
12:31 am
12:32 am
"ghost on ghost." here with the song "the desert babbler," iron and wine! ♪ ♪ ooh-ooh ahh-ahh ♪ ooh-ooh ahh-ahh ♪
12:33 am
♪ it's new year's eve and california's gonna kill you soon ♪ ♪ the barstow boys ♪ buckeyes in the shadow of the moon ♪ ♪ black houses in the hills ♪ and roadside hearts ♪ dying for a place to fall apart ♪ ♪ who knew what you could learn to live without ♪ ♪ mother mary's lying in your mouth ♪ ♪ now back home the kitchen's warm with christmas wine ♪
12:34 am
♪ and every girl has got an axe to grind you left to look for heaven but you're far from ♪ ♪ that hard light tonight ♪ ♪ ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh bah-da-ba ba ba ♪ ♪ so quietly we've lost another year the desert put a babbler in your ear ♪ ♪ mean fireweed and i miss you
12:35 am
again barstow boys are spitting into the wind ♪ ♪ back home the hammer always has to fall crosses barely hanging on the wall ♪ ♪ someday i know you'll never leave me but we're far from that hard light tonight ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ whoa, whoa ♪ hey, hey ♪ whoa, whoa ♪

15 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on